


What if Jack were actually a hero?

by Crisegna



Category: Borderlands, Tales from the Borderlands - Fandom
Genre: Oops, Other, golden ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-12
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-30 14:56:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8537452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crisegna/pseuds/Crisegna
Summary: There's people that still doubts Jack is a hero. Why would they think that? He's so kind with everyone!





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write about this a long time ago. I hope you like it!

‘What if Jack were the true hero the entire time?’

…

What? Is that even questionable? I _am_ a hero. Yeah darling, it’s a fact. How many times have I been saving people’s lives? Exactly! You can’t tell because of the many times I’ve done it! Don’t worry, it’s not your problem, I can understand if your mind is kind of limited these days. But hey, listen – be careful. You are starting to piss me off and I don’t wanna go through the same thing all the time, got it? Watch it! You almost stepped on my beautiful guest. Yeah, just go around him, they’ll come to clean it later. So! As I was saying, my ass is made of gold. Did you know that? That’s why my crap is so shiny. Go ahead, write it down on that notebook of yours. Oh, oh – and draw a portrait of my ass. That would be awesome. What about a tapestry of my butt? Okay, stop, I was kidding, you fool. Goddamn, kids these days are so naive. Well, scratch that, you don’t need to know that. STOP WRITING, YOU’RE ANNOYING. FUCK. Alright, now listen to me – give me that. Look at this. This is a pen, smartass, and this pen is you. And I am me – of course, neither anything nor anyone would be me but me, it’s obvious. _You_ and _me_. And that is you smashing into the wall and crying on the floor.

Come with me, sweetheart. I’ll tell you why I’m your hero. What’s that thing you’re wearing there on your chest? Yes, an identity card. It has your stupid face and all! And the most important thing is that you’re working for Hyperion – that is, for me. There you have. That’s the fucking explanation – you work for me. In fact, you live for me. Ha. If you can’t see it yet, lemme draw it for ya. Goddamn it, the pen. Well, fuck it. I’ll tell you but I’m getting tired of talking, so if I kill you all of a sudden, it’s not my fault but yours. Whatever, think it this way – I’m the queen and you are just insignificant bees working and making honey for me. Now change the queen, the bees and the honey stuff into badass Handsome Jack, you assholes and weapons. Got it? I won’t repeat it. Wait, where was I? Yeah, my horse. Did I say that Buttstallion is actually a donkey? Nah, I didn’t say it ‘cause that’s not true. Oh, Buttstallion, I miss you. Daddy loves you, wherever you are. Why are you so silent? I want some feedback here, kid. If you don’t ask anything, you better fuck off. I have more important things to do, like jerkin—oh God, I forgot they can’t go through my door. My barrier is so effective, oh, I just love it. Well! Somebody clean this mess! Time is money!


End file.
